The unexplainable

…hope amongst the hard things

The daily sorting is after the 💖💖💖 and the prompt after the 👻👻👻

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Have you ever experience something unexplainable? Something that felt supernatural? Would you tell me that story?

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I was so hoping that this week would be whimsical.

Just a gentle break.

Yesterday my youngest kiddo graduated from grade 8.

And I was at a UFO incident interpretative centre because I wasn’t invited to the graduation ceremony.

***

I’ve already cried and reframed it all. But last night when I asked my wondrous kiddo for the truth, even if it was unintentionally hurtful…he told me.

He was afraid that if his friends, or the people at his new school saw me…that the same thing that happened at the school in our small town…would happen again.

That he would be harassed for having an outwardly queer parent.

Initially he’d told me that the ceremony wasn’t a big deal, and that it was early and he didn’t want to inconvenience me.

I told him that supporting him wasn’t an inconvenience, that it’s part of being a parent.

But he stood firm. And I got the message. I wasn’t welcome at his school.

He had such a good year. He made friends. He did well in his studies. And all it required was that I wasn’t around.

***

Since moving to Nova Scotia we’ve had to deal with so many deaths, and hard things as a family.

…last night as I was making dinner for my kiddo, and he was explaining his reasoning for not wanting me there…I could feel that it was coming from this place of…

Deep caring.

He had intended to keep a secret. To play down the importance of his graduation. To make my not being there a quiet omission.

But that’s something I did not want my kiddo to carry alone.

So we talked about it.

I understood deeply…that he wasn’t embarrassed of me. He was trying to protect me and myself from a cruel world.

He told me that he didn’t want to be lonely. That he wanted friends. That all he wanted was to be normal.

And it broke my heart.

Not because he was hurting me.

Because we live in a world that loudly, and violently tells queer people, neurodivergent people, and the people that love them…that we are too much. That we need to stop being who we are and fit in.

…and I did it. I tried.

And the demands of being “normal” were so overwhelming. It was never enough.

…but I found small gentle pockets where my kids did have friends, and me and my partner were accepted.

Where the community was loving and warm and we could be who we are unabashedly.

Which is just…kind-hearted, gentle humans. Sure, my hair is pink. And my partner dresses in Halloween every day. I am a bright burst of rainbows all the time. I care out loud. The two of us walking down the street…we definitely don’t blend in.

But we did try. Once upon a time.

…and when we found each other…we didn’t have to anymore.

I’ve always been weird. And thoughtful-thought filled. I got tired of blending in, because then the people who didn’t want me to be the way I am had no external warning.

I am a rainbow so those people can sort themselves out of my life before I have to engage with them.

I’m like a nudibranch. My colours announce that I’m fabulous, yes…but also that I don’t fit the mold. That I’m not going to fit the mold. That I can’t fit the mold.

…

And maybe I’m crying for a world that is pushing back against this joy I’m finally able to feel daily.

A world that won’t just let my kiddo learn in peace.

***deep breath***

I’m still emotionally sorting this. And I wasn’t going to write about it. But if I didn’t I would be stuck in the sadness of it all.

…and I do not want to get stuck here.

I have two kids who love me. A partner who love me. A wondrous former husband who loves his kids and made me a birthday cake last week.

I have brilliant neighbours.

I live in a magical small town that is chock full of amazing people. Creative, caring people. Who like me the way I am. I have three places I work that value and appreciate me, and acknowledge my humanness and make me feel like I’m right where I belong.

…and my kiddo? He graduated from grade 8! He had a great year! Most folks with teenagers are managing the difficulties of our kids during this important differentiation period. Our kids are supposed to be learning to think for themselves, look after themselves, take test flights out of the nest.

My child was honest with me. And he wasn’t doing it to hurt me. He was being honest because I genuinely want to know and to help him carry this burden.

So carry it together we will.

Today I’m going to go look at a space for the future Curious & Kind.

Because we need spaces where people can be themselves. Where I can help people be themselves.

I hope your Saturday is beautiful.

I hope you know you are loved from this tiny corner of the world.

Heart,

Wake