Pronoia

…making important decisions

Since Tuesday I have been in percolation mode.

I’m be synthesizing, examining, and chatting with trusted people about my feelings.

Today. I have made a decision. I still have to talk with my children, but…I think I’m going to stay in Lunenburg.

…I’m so tired of moving because of my children’s father. There. I said it.

He has the money, the power and now the kids.

…and I want to be clear. He is a really good human. But we have very different ways of existing in the world.

…and I’m finally, finally…me. Nearly 18 years ago I had my first kiddo. Then nearly 15 years ago my second.

I have been parenting a very good chunk of my life, and re-routing my dreams and the things I want to do for AGES. While my former husband has been able to build a consistent career.

This past week my youngest child indicated that his Dad was puttting a significant amount of blame on me for the “way they turned out”. Which aside from the distress of OCD, which I helped them regulate for most of their lives because their Dad refused to acknowledge that that was what was going on, and has suggested many times that I’m not autistic and don’t have OCD (laughs like a kookaburra)…he’s finding out now that his kids…who I’ve been helping with managing their symptoms…are having a much more difficult time because he really and truly wants them to be normal.

He wants them to be traditionally schooled. He wants them to push through, mask, and deal with shit the way he does.

…and I’m tired of fighting. Or rather…I’m tired of accommodating his control disorder.

…so instead of upending my life because he decided his kids need to go to school in the city…

I’m going to stay.

I’m going to live a beautiful life full of wondrous friendships, and find ways to get paid that make sense to my brain. I’m going to support my kids in the ways I’m able.

I’m done trying to be perfect.

If he thinks he can do a better job at the day to day parenting? I’ll let him.

…and I’ll be here for my kids.

The stress that moving has been causing me since fall has been immense. We have a magical home. Wondrous neighbours. An incredible town.

Today, my partner and I have been together for TEN years. For a decade they have loved me, the way I am. And I them. They have been third parent to our children. They have used their energies, their monies and their resources to come live with us.

…and if we stay in our home…they can paint their office. We can fully…settle. Root.

I can think more permanently.

I can write. I can be a writer.

On the way into the city (I’m sitting by the ocean now) I stopped at the first coffee shop I ever went to when we moved here. And I told the folks there about my new plans, and they were celebratory.

Then I went across the street to talk with the wondrous witch who donated furniture Curious & Kind.

…she’s raised 9 children.

I asked her what she thought of my plan.

…and she was thoroughly supportive. And said. Don’t be surprised if the kids, eventually want to live with you again.

I won’t be

But I’m not expecting it. I was them to live the lives that they want to live. And in order to teach them that I’m serious about that…

I need to live the life I want to live.

The tiny book is here.

📚📚📚#135

(A heart made by the light thru my door handle)

#135

Heart,

Wake

Oh! And the song that I heard on the way in that really explains the way that I see the world.

Pronia