Imagine a series of colours, tell me what they are

…exhaustion and being human

I’ve always had a tiredness that has followed me around. My friend, Exhaustion, would request naps at the end of the school day ever since I can remember. People would talk about how children had “so much energy”, and I remember having it. But only in bursts. And then I’d need sleep. But not at night. At night I felt so very awake, and more myself.

These days I’ve been working three shifts a week. Waking up early-ish and doing full days, and mostly sleeping at night. I give my best self to my work hours. I feel a little guilty about this because my partner and my kids get a sort of husk-ish human who has no energy to cook, clean and wants very much to nap.

To be fair, to myself, and this narrative, I was a stay at home parent during the day for a significant amount of time, and between naps I tried very hard to make sure my kids had a copious amount of magical moments. They tell me about their childhoods sometimes, and the recollections of the magic make me feel like I did ok in their early years.

It’s a lot, being a person, I know you know it. I’ve learned to give myself a break when I’m not my ideal self. Being the magical human I envision myself to be requires a heckuva a lot of recharging. I like my magical self, they are fun and warm and comforting. But I love all of me, and so I rest. So that I can spread the magic around, to my friends, my customers, my family, my partner…and to me. I save some magic for when I’m just out walking by myself.

I recharge by being in nature, sitting next to the ocean, being silly with my kids and my partner and my pup, by watching my favourite shows, by saying things aloud to the spiders who live near my door way. That last one…the external monologue, the good mornings I give to the bookstore, the reading signs aloud while on walks with my partner…being able to hum, or sing…those things recharge me. Tapping my fingers with my thumbs while I’m walking? That recharges me.

If I’ve been attempting to socialize for very long periods of time, like I do at the bookstore two days a week, letting myself chat with another neurodivergent human about movies, their interests, my interests…that recharges me.

I am recharged both by being alone, and by engaging human contact that doesn’t require a set of societal rules as much as it is fuelled by excitement and mutual enthusiasm. When people have tried to call me introvert or extrovert, it has never fit. I’ve often called myself an ambivert.

I had a friend once go on a rant about “ambiverts” didn’t exist and while I could see how she thought it was funny and relatable, I found it alienating and hurtful. I’ve never really been binary about anything.

It’s not cat or dogs for me. It’s all animals. I’m neither gender, but sort of all of them depending on the situation (or none sometimes too). I fluctuate and flow in most senses. I’m grateful to have a partner who is into me for the multitudes I am. That they don’t require me to be anything other than what I am in whatever moment I am.

Sometimes being me has felt very lonely, like, am I the only weirdo like this? Realizing that there were plenty of brilliant and wondrous neurodivergent humans experiencing all sorts of different ways of being in the world really helped. People who didn’t need me to fit a mold.

Today I wore all my rainbows, and people greeted me joyfully for the most part. I wore them not being I was feeling particularly joyful today, but because I was exhausted and weeping this morning. Not for any particular reason.

But I received two messages that let me cry tears of joy. One from a person who let me know that the book I’ve written, and am podcasting a chapter of daily, has resonated with a friend of theirs who is grieving. It made me feel as if the words I’m putting out into the world matter. Then I got a message from a student who I taught nearly 20 years ago. They told me that they found a book I’d gifted them for their grade 12 graduation (I taught them in grade 8! And I gifted each student a book at their grade 12 graduation party, because I was invited, not knowing that I was the only teacher this group of 30-some students, who had gone to different high schools…not knowing that I’d been invited as the teacher who connected them as a community. It was one of those moments of realizations that what you do, it matters, if you care, and really actively and genuinely do the job you’ve been asked to do…this aside is too long and I’m hoping you can follow my exhausted though patterns, but if you need clarification, I can clarify) this student this morning, they told me that they found the book I’d given them and read the inscription and wanted to send some thoughtfulness my way, the way I’d been thoughtful with them all those years ago.

And I cried again.

When people have made a difference in my life, I have told them. Now I want to reach out to the teachers that made my life better (I’ve done it before, but I really want to do it again)…because this morning was a reminder that I’ve made impacts I wasn’t aware of. And I have been lucky to know people who’ve impacted me and given me genuine hope when I felt hopeless.

Writing this…it made me feel less tired.

The colours I’m imagining right now…

(I forgot I was here to write on a prompt)

Imagine a series of colours, tell me what they are

Teal-yellow-pink-mauve-iridescence

Heart,

Wake

(A sweet pea I saw on my way to work, and on my way home tonight. It was so beautiful, I took my partner to go see it too.)

A video of my pup, exuberant with such energy that I took for a friend whom I love who has been in a home convalescing/living for a year or more now. We have daily interactions, and he shares music and delightful animal videos, and I try to capture small moments from my day because I’m too far away to visit. He’s one of my absolute favourite people from my high school years and I feel grateful that 30 years later we still know each other, and love each other, and find time to chat.

A wild and wondrous wave filled moment filmed at this magical spot that my darling friend took me after my shift Monday. It was so wonderful to be able to experience awe, simultaneously with another awe-filled human. Truly recharging.

I’m grateful you exist. You. Reading these words. Thank you for being here; in the world. 💖