A delicate shift

…managing expectations

The tiny book #93

Wake

Tiny book #93 and my new shoes

This morning we were supposed to get in the car. My partner, my two teen boys and I. We were going to drive to a house we’d rented on an island four hours away.

It is now noon and I’m instead making crepes, listening to my kids and my partner talk about the highway protests.

It’s Good Friday, which means most everything is closed today. The weather reports say there will be freezing rain and snow, and that it’s a yellow warning.

…and last night I didn’t get any sleep because my poor kiddo was having a panic attack brought on by his OCD fixation on illness, and his fear of getting an infection that might cause him to have to take antibiotics.

The problem with this particular fixation is it’s grounded in several actual truths. Last time we traveled…he ended up having an acute appendicitis attack.

He caught it so early that the hospital decided to treat it with antibiotics.

Months later he ended up having to have it removed. After the surgery he got C. Diff. Twice. He’s been diagnosed with Celiac’s Disease.

This kid washes his hands a lot. But one of the doctors suggested it was his uncleanliness that caused the C Diff.

My heart. Not my kid. This is a result of the over-use of antibiotics in the past decades creating C.Diff.

But now my kid is terrified of getting sick or going to hospitals…and traveling. And he was afraid that he’d never not be afraid again.

So last night I summoned my calmest self, and I sat with him and listened for two hours. The things that used to work when he was little don’t anymore. I used to be able to help re-direct his thought patterns with naming dinosaurs, or naming fruits for every letter of the alphabet.

As a teenager he knows all the possible techniques. Breathing exercises make him feel stressed. So as a person who is also autistic with OCD…I just listened. He asked me to tell stories of how I got through nights like these. I shared my stories and my coping mechanisms, and how the things people say will work…they don’t because of my pervasive demand for autonomy. Which means I have to figure out what works for me.

…and I have. I told him how I write myself out of my spiralling. How I play word games with strangers on the internet. How I find the number 42 and it helps me breathe.

I asked him what he wanted in that moment. He just wanted me to tell him everything was alright and he’d be okay. And to sit with him until he fell asleep. This kid knows how to self soothe, and he also knows how to ask for help. Last night he asked for help.

So I sat with him until he fell asleep.

Then I played word games on the internet with strangers. I fell asleep at 4am knowing full well I had to get up and start driving.

I got up to a weather notification. Yellow warning. Possible freezing starting in minutes. My partner was finished packing. They were having their coffee in the kitchen.

I explained the night we’d had. I talked about the weather and then my partner mention the highway blockades.

We decided as a family to have one extra restful day at home, and drive to the island tomorrow.

No one was sad about it. We gave each other. And we all love an unexpected relaxing day.

My youngest asked for crepes and a raspberry smoothie, my eldest some Ichiban with chili crisp. And as I was putting away the dishes getting the kitchen ready for cooking…. My youngest gave me a hug. He told me that he didn’t feel like himself last night. That he’d felt disassociated. Like he couldn’t get back into his body to calm himself.

His description of the feeling hit home.

He told me he felt better today. Calm. He apologized for keeping me up. I told him there were no apologies necessary, that this is what parenting is. It’s providing support and comfort and love…not only when things are easy, but when they are hard.

I have these two emotionally intelligent sons. Who are capable of expressing their feelings in a world that tells men to suck it up, and I am grateful for them. I am honoured that they feel safe telling me how they feel.

That feels like the real gift.

So tomorrow we’ll go on vacation, and today…we will chill.

Can I show you the moon we saw last night? It was amazing.

The crepe I made this morning.

I’m going to finish the tiny book for the day.

Then I watch some Masterchef with my youngest, and find some time to keep reading Ella Minnow Pea (my book club folks were right…it is getting more interesting). Maybe listen to some more of The Correspondent.

…and tonight, I’ll get some sleep. I hope.

Heart,

Wake