(I made this beautiful iced vanilla oat latte for myself at the magical place I work)
…
Yesterday I had a meltdown. I was all geared up to do something I’d been excited about for months. I got enough sleep. I looked at my checklist. I did all the things on it. I fed my pup.
I got in the car and 20 minutes from work I realized I had forgotten my special handheld egg beater (I was supposed to be making waffles).
I talked myself through forgetting. I knew there would be some sort of egg beater at work. It’s a restaurant with a kitchen.
4 minutes from work a song comes on the radio. Turn the speakers up…the song said something like that.
I had forgotten the speakers for the live show that was a main part of the event.
Cue the beginning of panic-mode. I couldn’t go home. I had waffles to make before the start of the event. I was already running behind.
I arrived. I sat in the car. I grounded myself with a few reminders that this was not the end of the world. That solutions would become available when u asked for help.
I walked into the shop, and was greeted with warmth by my boss. I by-passed the hellos and itemized my forgetting.
I was greeted with compassion and solutions.
I had brought the menus, which had been added to the top of my checklist, and the new fancy waffle makers.
The rest is a bit of a blur.
TMI (Too Much Information; possibly) BELOW, skip to the 🌵🌵🌵 to avoid talk of bodily things or stay after the 💦💦💦 for more context.
💦💦💦
The context:
I have to add here that I am on medication that thins my blood. I am 45 and still have what I call the Blood Letting period every 19 days for a solid 4 days. Which means that I was bleeding. A lot. Which is awkward but also leaves me lightheaded and emotionally tipsy. So that is going on underneath every interaction. I share that with my boss so they understand my condition.
🌵🌵🌵
I set up for waffle making. I’m about to wipe down the new waffle makers before making the batter when I was told that I needed to hurry.
And that small gentle ask was the thing that made me realized that I didn’t have the capacity for what I was about to do.
From this vantage point, I can see the meltdown coming. I had been trying to hold myself together like my fraying purse, that I kept putting things until one day…it broke and everything came crashing out.
At my most capable I am a bright sparkly purse and able to hold all the things.
But lately I’ve been adding things, even if those things are magical things. I’ve had two visits from wondrous friends. I went on a holiday with my partner. I’m planning a special birthday for my 13 year old to be. I’ve agreed to parent my eldest for a whole month so he can have a chill summer. My youngest is dealing with health issues. His father has hard things on his plate too. I’m in a new house that has no air conditioning so the heat is intense. I’m so close to finishing my novel. I have two beautiful jobs. And this year my divorce salary ends in December. Which means I have to figure out how to be a viable monetarily contributing member of my little family.
It’s a lot. Plus I have to make sure to walk every day to keep another stroke at bay.
(Pause. Breathe.)
I love my life. It’s magical. I know so many brilliant beautiful humans. Everyone has a lot on their plate. I know it. I try to keep my things off the plates of those who have more things than I do. I commiserate and I share joys with people who have allowed me the space.
But at the end of the day I kind of feel like a beautiful, sparkly purse full of too many things. I wasn’t built for it. Neither was my purse.
I’ve been mostly careful about adding things that are too heavy. But the little fun things I’ve been adding have finally collected again.
Cue the meltdown.
Tears. Leaving. Trying to explain that it’s me. That it isn’t anyone or anything. My bosses were all so good about letting me leave.
I drove home sobbing. I’ve let everyone down. I’ve let myself down. I sent my best friend home early and incurred an extra cost so I could weep all the way home?
I get home to a supportive partner and understanding kids. They let me nap. They made sure I ate. They didn’t mind that I couldn’t get up the energy to go to the parade. They let me nap again. Then I was coaxed to a quiet beach where the wonder of the ocean and a shore full jellyfish and strange sandcastles finally chilled me right out.
And then we hung out until bed time. Both my boss at the bookstore, and my boss at the magical mercantile checked in on me and assured me the world was not ending. And I was a valued part of their businesses.
This morning I woke up…mended. With the remembrance that maybe I can’t be a part of big projects that I’m not leading.
It’s been hot today. Really hot. But the customers have been gentle. I got some really good chats in. Felt very comfortable making americanos and lattes. And I wrote three chapters of my novel. And managed to sort how I’m doing in this newsletter (that I’ve been writing in the small downtimes).
I’m doing ok. I miss my best friend. We’ve made a family decision to push the birthday trip for my youngest to August so that I can take this week to continue to mend my frayed edges.
This is only my third meltdown since I’ve moved east. Three meltdowns in ten months. At some points in my life they were daily occurrences. Sometimes multiple times a day.
I feel grateful for the fact that the people who are in my life now have chosen to be my friend knowing that I’m autistic, that I used my magical thinking to sort my OCD, that I’m non-binary, that I’m queer. That I’m chronically ill and have disabilities due to my stroke. That with all of that…I’m still me. An oppositional hyper-optimist/kindly curmudgeon in the face of difficulties. Not everyone’s cup of tea. And I’m ok with that.
Being open and clear about myself and my things in this chapter of my life has been so freeing.
I’m not sure what the future holds. But my right now is magic, and I’m feeling good, and writing it all out, it helps me track where I’m at.
I hope your day has been more a beach full of jellyfish than crying in a car, but whatever it’s been…know I’m grateful you exist.
Heart,
Wake
![Jellyfish, old mountains worn down to their bones, strange sandcastles on the beach, a grasshopper trying to bear the heat against an air conditioned window, a weird beach cube, tried and tried waffle recipe, fungus (or old gum) on a wall, our pup and here piece of watermelon, and accidental heart](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F63e8de2c-1457-498a-8150-352aa0377ecb_4032x3024.jpeg)
![Jellyfish, old mountains worn down to their bones, strange sandcastles on the beach, a grasshopper trying to bear the heat against an air conditioned window, a weird beach cube, tried and tried waffle recipe, fungus (or old gum) on a wall, our pup and here piece of watermelon, and accidental heart](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F6b508837-59e2-4052-a051-1442201241c1_4032x3024.jpeg)
![Jellyfish, old mountains worn down to their bones, strange sandcastles on the beach, a grasshopper trying to bear the heat against an air conditioned window, a weird beach cube, tried and tried waffle recipe, fungus (or old gum) on a wall, our pup and here piece of watermelon, and accidental heart](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F80dc7f66-f978-4c13-8ac8-3f5225a5b08d_4032x3024.jpeg)
![Jellyfish, old mountains worn down to their bones, strange sandcastles on the beach, a grasshopper trying to bear the heat against an air conditioned window, a weird beach cube, tried and tried waffle recipe, fungus (or old gum) on a wall, our pup and here piece of watermelon, and accidental heart](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc162b536-d7f5-46cd-b6dc-1113dea5b570_4032x3024.jpeg)
![Jellyfish, old mountains worn down to their bones, strange sandcastles on the beach, a grasshopper trying to bear the heat against an air conditioned window, a weird beach cube, tried and tried waffle recipe, fungus (or old gum) on a wall, our pup and here piece of watermelon, and accidental heart](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F6760139d-b801-4a03-9d4f-41ca9853360f_4032x3024.jpeg)
![Jellyfish, old mountains worn down to their bones, strange sandcastles on the beach, a grasshopper trying to bear the heat against an air conditioned window, a weird beach cube, tried and tried waffle recipe, fungus (or old gum) on a wall, our pup and here piece of watermelon, and accidental heart](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4f7039f7-c967-499d-bf3a-f88c29a81a9b_4032x3024.jpeg)
![Jellyfish, old mountains worn down to their bones, strange sandcastles on the beach, a grasshopper trying to bear the heat against an air conditioned window, a weird beach cube, tried and tried waffle recipe, fungus (or old gum) on a wall, our pup and here piece of watermelon, and accidental heart](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Ffa7300ef-7159-4cef-b81e-4eaa33b13154_4032x3024.jpeg)
![Jellyfish, old mountains worn down to their bones, strange sandcastles on the beach, a grasshopper trying to bear the heat against an air conditioned window, a weird beach cube, tried and tried waffle recipe, fungus (or old gum) on a wall, our pup and here piece of watermelon, and accidental heart](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fb807ccd2-e7a1-4333-b352-bc239936f6b3_4032x3024.jpeg)
![Jellyfish, old mountains worn down to their bones, strange sandcastles on the beach, a grasshopper trying to bear the heat against an air conditioned window, a weird beach cube, tried and tried waffle recipe, fungus (or old gum) on a wall, our pup and here piece of watermelon, and accidental heart](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_474,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F28ca887a-a7c3-4105-aca5-6f1b8a4c9627_4032x3024.jpeg)
Be soft, you are the best you can be right now. I am so grateful that you are able to sort all your things. You helped me to sort my things. I have been trying to print my presentation for the open mic. My printer is giving me trouble. I had a friend to clean the print head. I spent most of today trying to sort this with everyone telling me to just go buy another printer. After reading your solutions for combating anxiety, I now feel I am ready to carry on cleaning this printer myself. Thank you. Neurodivergent is very taxing at times, especially like right now.
sending you hugs & love. ahhhh and recognition. meltdowns. my last one was over the contract that i had to resign from. one of the things that i always have to learn every single time is how understanding folks are about these. it's not the end of the world that i can't do something i promised myself or others i could do. better to take care of myself and say no when necessary. it's a work in progress, this life, eh? more hugs.